homesick

i'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, but i can't stop listening to the sound of two soft voices blended in perfection on the reels of this record that i found.

everyday there's a boy in the mirror asking me "what are you doing here?" finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear.

i've travelled far and i've burned all the bridges i believed as soon as i hit land...all the other options held before me wither in the light of my plan.

so i'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy, but there's only one thing on my mind...searching boxes underneath the counter on a chance that on a tape i'd find a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

homesick...'cause i no longer know where home is.

going for the kill and pat fitzgerald vs. scooter & the B-team...

well, apparently it has become too difficult for the federal government to kill people through our criminal justice system...but do not fret, your representatives in congress have been hard at work on a plan to increase the success rate death penalty seekers in federal courts everywhere...not only this, but it will serve as a wonderful lesson for children everywhere who have become too lazy and complacent in their oversized meals and wastebands...if you don't succeed, and congress tells you to go right ahead, try, try again. therein lies the brilliance of this new law (which "activist" judges everywhere will inevitably turn to "legislating" it's demise from the bench), the feds will be able to indefinitely continue the sentencing portion of a death penalty trial (which is basically a second trial, even more costly then the first) over and over and over again as long as one person on that jury thinks the defendant should die for his or her sins (it is usually men...but women are making a comeback in death chambers). what a wonderful concept...let the government try as many times as it takes to get the sentence they want (which i am sure in absolutely no way conflicts with the constitution of the united states). the founders of this country must be beaming somewhere.

scooter libby...you are in trouble...and that goes for a lot of other people in the bush administration. pat fitzgerald is no pushover, nor is he some partisan hack job looking for a name for himself. this guy is no nonsense, fair, hardcore, serious prosecution coming at you with all the power of the laws you took a vow to uphold yet seem to have forgotten to read up on...this is the man that is in the process of doing what no one else has been able to do in six decades...dismantle the chicago political machine. anybody in illinois willing to take on the daley city hall has brass balls, and is not likely to be swayed by your "with us or against us" rhetoric. this kid is for real...and he may just watergate your ass...so start shredding boys, because you know you don't want the country to find out just how much of a hand cheney had in pushing us into a war that has left thousands of american families broken.

so this is freedom...they must be jokin'

bush's brilliance, gay athletes, sunshine and baseball

so harriet miers is out as the next nominee for the supreme court. i wasn't too comfortable with the choice in the first place...not because of any stance she may or may not have taken on abortion or affirmative action or any other issue that special interest groups think are the only thing that should matter for a supreme court justice...but because of the only thing i think should matter for a supreme court justice...ability. reading some of her writing made me nervous...as someone involved in the legal field trust me when i tell you how important it is to have strong writers with top shelf legal minds on the supreme court...too often opinions come out practically indicipherable...i prefer a justice that can make you think, no matter what the outcome, "yea...he/she's got a point." just not sure if she was up to it.

which brings me to my point...her pick seemed very strange to me at first...especially since there seemed to be people out there with abilities clearly laid out...many of them women and minorities. but as it became clear that miers would either be yanked or yank herself i realized it was yet another politically brilliant move by republicans (who have become masters at the evil genius stuff). they had to know she wouldn't fly...especially after sending up wonder boy earlier...so why would they send her up? then i realized how difficult it will be for anyone to stop back to back nominations. watch the next one be an uber-conservative, and watch all those opposed struggle to explain themselves when they try to block another one. maybe before being fingerprinted rove pulled another one off.

sheryl swoopes came out of the closet...biggest name athlete to ever do it while they are still going. not many people noticed...not sure if that is a sign that people are more accepting of gays, or just that not very many people give a crap about the wnba. it must suck to be a gay athlete...at least on the male side, i really don't know how it would fly with teammates and opponents on the female side. i even came from what many would call a "gay" sport anyways (gymnastics)...and i was shocked at how unaccepting people i knew in gymnastics were of gays. maybe someday it won't be big news when an athlete comes out...i'm not holding my breath.

since saturday i've had an easier time enjoying the sunshine and moon in this town. not sure what triggered it...but i'm hoping the corner is turned and i can get through my last months/years here mentally and emotionally in tact.

the white sox swept the series...it's tough to stomach. the north side is pissed, the south side is ecstatic. someone in a column on espn noted that it's a racial thing. of course it is, it's chicago...everything there is racial. it has a lot to do with class too (although the two are way too intertwined in that city)...but either way...may god smite their rally. go cubs.

do you ever get the feeling that you've been written off...

chicagoans to world: just let us have this

ah chicago...the city with a never-ending inferiority complex...the "second" city...forever doomed to be just behind the big daddies...kind of like a little brother jumping up and down behind his bigger siblings, peering over their shoulders for that brief airborne moment shouting to the parents "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! OVER HERE! LOOK AT ME!"

years ago chicago was home of the world's tallest building...the sears tower. unfortunately the rest of the world is full of assholes who couldn't even let chicago have that much. so they built what was the tallest concrete structure for all of a year or two...again, the world would not allow chicago to be first in anything.

so here we go again...this time it is a proposed tower...an architectural wonder stretching 2000 feet into the skyline...an enourmously tall component of hdtv. as a chicagoan (as much as i may have previously wished it would...chicago never leaves you...it pulls you in and you are forever a chicagoan...a midwesterner...country) i pray this tower will move past the proposal stage and be built.

if it is...i beg of the rest of the world...let chicago have this...let us have something again...you keep taking the biggest and best title from us in this department. chicagoans know nobody gives a hoot about us or our city...but that does not make it right to constantly remind us that we are second-rate.

well...we will always have walter (god rest his soul) and michael and the '85 monsters of the midway and real pizza and the hot dog...

we're not doing this because we're greedy...

does anybody want to take me home?

i miss camille...i miss myself...i miss chicago...i miss shannon...i miss beers with gill...i miss drives into the city to meet chris and sarah...i miss unfinished millenia park...i miss gray skies...i miss changing leaves...i miss free tuesdays at the art institute...i miss the lakefront...i miss the roar of the el...i miss buildings impossibly tall...i miss resting by the river...i miss the first sight of the city emerging from the dank recesses of the subway...i miss commuters...i miss listening to her spout about the architectural brilliance that is the city of chicago...i miss cramming dollars into the park and ride slots when you are only supposed to use coins...i miss walking up the ramp into wrigley field...i miss sprawl converging on downtown...i miss neverending construction...i miss real gridlock...i miss tollbooths...i miss free underground transfers walking past the one man band in the tunnel as you pick up your pace when you hear the rumble of the redline coming through the station on the other end...i miss lunches in the fall along the river...i miss having somewhere that was home...i miss having someone that was home.

i need to leave this "city" and go home...problem is i don't know where that is anymore...i think i have become one of those people that just can't settle down anywhere for too long...i am getting antsy.

i wish i could have it all sorted out again...i wish i could see the mountain town as my little slice of heaven...i wish i could have done it right...i wish i hadn't been so hardheaded...i wish i had been more open, to myself and others...i wish i had been more available...i wish i hadn't wasted so many opportunities...i wish i had somewhere to call home.

there's no blame...and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

perjury IS a serious crime

i am watching meet the press and there is a senator from texas (hutchinson) speaking about the plame investigation. she said some things that bother me (despite the obvious hypocritical value of it coming from someone who undoubtedly sought to impeach clinton based on perjury...which, for the record, i would qualify as a high crime and misdemeanor...and yes, he committed it, and yes, he should've been kicked out for it...but thats just me).

they were speaking of sitting back and waiting to see if an indictment came down (from good ol' pat fitzgerald of illinois...my old boss, a man with decades of experience on both sides of criminal law, thought very highly of him as a fair prosecutor...something this country lacks in too many cases)...and she began to talk about how important she thinks it is that they come down with an indictment for a crime and not some "technicality of perjury." besides the obvious problem that perjury itself is a serious crime (as is lying to federal investigators...just ask martha stewart).

maybe it is just because of my new-found role in society (although i have viewed perjury as a very serious crime for a long time), but perjury ranks up there with the worst of the non-violent offenses in my eyes...especially when it comes to criminal investigations. this country has countless individuals locked up for very long prison terms based on perjured testimony...how many are actually guilty, we may never know. our system relies too heavily on truthful testimony at all stages, from investigation to the grand jury process, to plea bargaining, to trial and sentencing...when lies become pervasive (even just 1/2 truths...which technically can be perjury) in any stage, the entire system is placed in jeopardy of becoming illegitimate in the eyes of the public...just ask a family member of some poor, inner city male locked up based on the testimony of a police officer that was false.

it bothers me that someone elected to the united states senate does not view perjury as a serious offense...especially when it comes in the investigation of such a serious crime...it bothers me more that partisanship has come to that point in this country. i suppose now i am further entrenched in my independent status as a voter...if only more people paid attention.

if you smile when you commit that sin, don't be too sure the tall grass ain't where i been...

the countryside is deserted

small farms in this country have been slowly dying off for decades now...hence john "cougar" mellencamp. even if it were inevitable it is a sad occurance...losing something so much a part of the history of this nation.

my father grew up on a midwestern farm near the mississippi river (does it get much more middle america?) every summer we would drive out to the old farm and my father and his mother would begin to tell stories of farmlife decades earlier...their faces would light up when they remembered simpler times. often i would become jealous...although that was quickly replaced by the realization that i am not much of a "simpler times" kind of guy.

as odd as it may seem, surrounded by such impossibly beautiful vistas as new mexico can bring on any 3 hour drive, i miss the weekend commute down to champaign from chicago. an hour or so of city traffic suddenly giving way to corn and bean fields as far as the eye could see. there was something incredibly peaceful and serene about driving past countless family farms...a calm i could use these days.

so if you can afford it (which most of us can't) get your produce from the local farmer's market...help us hold on to these national treasures for just a few more years.

just another false alarm...

going to be a rough weekend...

taking my eyes off the rain...

i was in a really good mood for awhile tonight...it has been awhile. very interesting timing...considering what may be happening this weekend. was in the car, blasting music and screaming along to it on my way to blow some more money on music and clothes when i just started to smile uncontrollably, followed by a brief stint of laughter, brought on partly by the absurdity of it all. the feeling lasted a few hours...and even now the pit in my stomach is nowhere near as deep as it has been.

maybe it was the upturn at work...maybe it was the typed banter back and forth with technicolor catie...maybe it was yet another step towards independence...maybe it was the knowledge that ski season is approaching...maybe it was the prospect of my first big-time brief...maybe it was the decent workout...maybe it was fitting into size 30 jeans again...who knows...maybe it was none of the above.

even the songs that are normally reserved to go with the dreariest of moods became upbeat. perhaps i just finally snapped and lost what little of my mind was remaining.

had another of those moments...albeit much, much briefer the other day at lunch...walking through downtown albuquerque with a brisk breeze, traffic and folks in suits walking around...for a minute i felt like i was not in the middle of nowhere.

maybe i am getting better...maybe the concrete i inhaled last night and this morning triggered something in the pleasure centers of my brain. either way, hermione will talk me through it.

don't think i don't know...take it easy on me, make it easy on yourself

clearing the walls of memories

the first trip to a national park...camping on the river, arriving after dark...short, crowded hikes below arches...sunset at the most famous...the hurried outlook to outlook drive through canyonlands...

the grand canyon...busloads of japanese tourists along the south rim for sunset...eating a cold dinner in the back of the subaru...struggling with the stove in the morning for tea...a late start to the rim, ignoring the warning signs and setting out for the impossible...the outcropping of red earth, the place i fell in love again...the sight of the river just below...lunch next to the creek, a quick phone call from the bottom...the grueling hike out trailing german lovers...giving up the last half of sandwich...twilight...the sprint...a shortcut through the forest brings dozens of deer...timed showers, and that painful drive home knowing what love is...

the busiest trip...the long drive in, renting gear...her being at her most beautiful in the morning...wading below the cliffs...no-you-da-ho on the hike...nearing the end, surrounded only by each other...firewood and canned dinner...walking through the pillars of bryce...homade pies at the entrance...the greatest drive home of my life...a picture at the dam, tuna for lunch...cheating at petrified forest...remembering why love is...

bouncing into chaco to the old chisolm trail...the blaring heat, the endless skies...the milky way...feeling so at home so far from anything...her mouthing off to cattle, the llamas on the side of the road...more reason to smile...

a quick break into the mountain forest...getting around the texans who know all the answers...marching out to the river only to find rain and it being the best way to spend the afternoon...taco bell for dinner...wishing she wasn't going to go...

two hours too early...carrying enormous bags through public transit...a multistate drive...listening to the waves and watching the spray by moonlight...sharing donut sticks...wishing she could always look as peaceful as she did that morning surrounded by a violent ocean...water stretching to the horizon...not wanting to leave...

the memories are off the wall now...three years...a dozen parks...countless miles watching her sleep as the scenary changes...the room grew gradually darker as the memories were folded up...the best and worst i have felt in awhile.

all these useless emotions churning 'round as i search these bare walls for a clue, and all the time the truth is flashing in my mind...that when a heart gets broken there's nothing you can do...

more things i am not...

i am not as naive as you think, nor am i as stupid...i'm reasonably clever...sometimes i have to wonder how i give that impression...if you know me you have to know i overanalyze things and i'm always looking for loopholes and missing bits.

i am not a good friend...i tend to disappear into my own world for lengthy periods of time and forget my friends...i tend to lose contact rather quickly and far too easily...it's another thing i am not proud of but can't seem to change.

i am not a morning person...unless you count the time between 12:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.

i am not an indie boy...i tried, it didnt work for me...i like poppy stuff too much...and i dress like an old man, although i am working on that.

i am not motivated enough...i have ideas that come and are more of a flash in the pan than anything else...i never put in the effort to make anything really happen...i dont know why, i cant explain it, i just dont ever follow through.

i am not a people person...some may not agree with me...i guess i get away with it, but i like to be alone...or atleast i do right now...i mean, i have no problem talking to people and i hope i can make them feel comfortable...i just would rather be sitting on the beach by myself collecting sea shells that she will glue back together after they break, one of the greatest acts of love anyone has ever done for me.

i am not good with money...never have been, which is ironic because my parents didn't shower me with useless shit like you might expect explicitly to teach me the value of it...i am somewhat better, atleast i dont drop it all on booze anymore.

i am not much of a drinker anymore...boy was i for awhile though...i challenge anyone my size to consume the amount day in and day out that we were up to...it is sickening really.

i am not able to sleep...i blame my brain, and the weight i feel like i am carrying around...and the loneliness that inevitably accompanies the darkness of night.

i am not sure i am capable of holding this together...but then everyone needs times like these...you only grow during these times, nobody makes changes during happy, easy times...there are some doors you just got to go through alone.

i am not sure i will ever get where i want to go...i picture myself waking up and being 60 one day, and not having accomplished anything i wanted to...and being without someone...without her...it is a sad sight, but i am a damn good looking older man.

when we meet again we will be strangers...

it's all smoke and mirrors

that is kind of how i feel about myself lately...does it show?

someone told me i seem angry. i am. about what...well, i dont know. numerous things i suppose. i am angry that the government is trying to put some kids to death. i am angry the feds can never admit they screwed up and should not have thrown some poor guy in prison...but will take it to the jury just to see if they can get a conviction. i am angry that prosecutor's offices nationwide are filled with poor lawyers out to advance their own career and make a name for themselves (i.e. conviction at all costs). i am angry that presidential politics has become a glorified beauty contest, based more on smoke and mirrors than ideas and ability. i apologize if i come off as angry and mean spirited...just a lot of pent up frustration, only some of it having to do with what i share...i dont know...just youthful arrogance i suppose.

i continue to sink...i am not sure why. i'm not used to not being ok...i'm not used to questioning myself...i'm not used to feeling such disconnect from everything and everyone. i used to be capable of blind trust, i used to be capable of a sincere smile, i used to be willing and able to dance. it's a strange feeling for me...this loneliness. but it's just one of those points in life i suppose...where everything i thought i knew is put into doubt. hopefully i will come out of this rejuvenated and put in the effort to accomplish things.

i missed moment of frustration day...or whatever the hell it is called...apparently you go outside in the morning and just scream to let the frustration out. i could use that i think...i could use something...my boots are heavy.

a sad, sad day for the north side...the white sox are in the world series. chicago finally has a penant, and it makes me ill. too make matters worse, i am now forced to root for (gasp) the astros...or even worse providing a miracle...the cardinals. horrible. damn them for doing this to me.

i have a fat cat...hermione. she is so hungry she is trying to eat my elbow. she follows me around a lot now, mostly because i think she is hoping i will drop food for her. sometimes i feel like she is the only creature i have that connection with...how sad is that. cats are funny creatures...great friends though.

boy crushes and what bill richardson forgot

this morning on "today" they were talking about boy crushes and whether men have them. of course every man but dr. drew pinsky (or however you spell his last name) denied it up and down and acted as though their penis would fall off and they would sprout breasts immediately if they admitted to such a thing. well boys...it doesnt happen, you testosterone levels dont drop, your estrogen levels dont go through the roof...you simply get a boy crush. and if you say you've never had one...my guess is, you are gay and having trouble coming to terms with it.

i'm not ashamed, i'll take one for the team here and name one of mine...jonathon rhys myers...if you have ever seen velvet goldmine or that elvis movie on tv last year you know what i am talking about. hot folk are just hot folk...and it doesn't make me any less of a man.

which reminds me of a party i went to last year...donned in a glittery gold shirt (compliments of a female friend) and with painted eyes, nails, etc...there were a few "men's men" there...hunters, football fans and such...of course i got some damn strange looks from them at first...but by the end of the nigth i was talking circles around them when it came to sports and they were treating me as one of the guys. so suck it up and have fun with your other side...admit to that crush, it'll make you feel better.

as for bill richardson, he is going places (or so he thinks). he seems to have forgotten he is a southwestern hispanic man and governor of an incredibly poor state. see, when he first got into office he wore a lot of good ol' mexican cowboy shit...plaid shirts, brown jackets, bolo ties...he looked horrible all the time, and it was great. then john kerry needed him, so he started to get dressed up. bill was last seen on local news sporting a black suit, white shirt, solid striped tie, and cuff links...that's right, cuff links. apparently he is once again heading overseas...the man spends more time trying to win votes outside of new mexico than he does working for new mexico. i'm no longer a fan...although the last strong was when he bailed on the kids at taos high school after promising to be the key-note speaker at their graduation.

i got news for you bill...you're an unattractive, uncharismatic minority that is governing a state that can only make you look worse for it. this country will never elect you...give it up and do your job.

if you see kay, tell her i'm alright

root against the white sox, your life may depend on it

someone made an interesting note on a chicago tribune message board after one of the worst calls in history happened during the white sox/angels game last night, it is a frightening realization and reason to stop whatever you are doing for the next few weeks and put all your energy into willing the white sox to defeat...

last white sox world series crown: 1917
last bird flu pandemic killing millions worldwide: 1918

next white sox world series crown: 2005?
next bird flu pandemic: 2006?

you see, a white sox world series win would be yet another sign of the apocolypse...and it might signal your impending demise at the hands of a sickness you got from a pigeon...so break out the rally monkey and say it with me....

here we go los angelos angels of anaheim, here we go.

what's taboo to you is just not taboo to me: scrambled thoughts

texas is now trying to throw in an amendment to their constitution ensuring the gays dont royally screw up their plans to run a society full of homophobia and hatred. don't get me wrong, i am all about marriage...there are a few vows i take damn seriously in this life; til death do us part, i swear to uphold the laws of the constitution, and i swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth...i just dont get why you can't use the first one if you happen to enjoy touching tacos or pirating buttocks. i wonder how many of those people would be shocked to know that one of their closest friends has homosexual tendencies (or whatever you want to call it). they're gay, not lepers...and contrary to popular opinion in rome, it does not mean they are drawn to molesting children.

speaking of the catholic church...i wonder when they will figure out that the antiquated view that you cannot serve god and service a lover at the same time is a recipe for disaster. how many more examples do we need before we realize that when you repress sex...it comes out in really messed up ways. let them marry, let them fuck, let them sport whips and chains and leather, let them march through the streets for a pride parade. as long as nobody who doesnt want to be hurt isnt getting hurt...let sex happen, trust me, it's better for everyone.

if there was any doubt remaining in your mind that the end times are upon us...make peace with whatever god you choose to worship. after years of wildfires and the occassional devestating middle eastern earthquake we hit the big time...tsunamis, hurricanes, monster earthquakes, mud slides, and now the bird flu...hundreds of thousands dead. the crazies were right...this is it. i saw propoganda film once for christianity dealing with this, and people went out and got 666 tatooed on their heads so they wouldnt be taken in the rapture...wonder if we will start seeing that. i figure either way i am going to hell...being that i've seriously messed up on the church's teachings...oh well, i can hang with ghandi.

while i'm on the subject of natural disasters...how broke are we going to be after helping out all the folks that need it? how much of the tax cut could've covered that? when is the UN going to step up and live up to it's purpose? is this just gaya's way of telling us she is sick of us screwing this up and that there is too many of us? it's one thing man will never conquer.

yes, i said man...as in mankind...as in all humans, i make no apologies for it, and it does not make me a sexist.

the UN - ah the failed ideals of western civilization. yet another institution of corruption and greed. it talks a good game...but it ends there. how many genocides are going to occur before the UN figures out it can stop one in the early stages. How many blatant human rights violations are going to go unchecked because western nations need joe tyrant in power. When are they going to get serious about all of the so-called norms of customary international law...norms that were never widely followed, thrown upon the rest of the world by a select few western nations, and then claimed to "law" around the world...dont get me wrong, they are good ideas, but the logic behind it is seriously flawed. i don't like the UN...i don't like it's leader. (this is your cue to tell me how it is all the united states' fault that the UN doesn't work and heap all the blame on the current administration...lest we forget the UN wanted nothing to do with bosnia, before this administration...and really hasn't done a damn thing under any american administration...and put a man in charge that let rowada happen when he could have stopped it).

i was talking about the term "legislating morality" with a friend the other day. i don't get how that is a criticism...like you can't do that. every single one of our laws is based on legislating morality. society has decided that certain things are morally wrong, and therefore they write laws against them. i understand what people are trying to say when they use it...but it doesnt make much sense. sure i agree that criminal sanctions should be left out of your bedroom as long as there is consent from all parties involved...but hell, laws against rape and murder are legislated morality, so exactly when does it become ok to "legislate morality"...do you need a certain percentage of the population? because if you go there...there might be a lot of minority groups (race, religious, sex, orientation) that might be in trouble.

it looks like ulr has been paying attention...i hear loveland is set to open this weekend...perhaps i will be taking a little trip shortly. wax your boards.

this is the sound of settling.

Ullr...i need you, more than ever i need you

the snows have arrived...the rockies have already seen snowfalls upwards of a foot. does this mean we will have a good year? anything like last year down here in new mexico? does it matter? get your boards out, wax 'em, sharpen the edges, tighten the bindings, get your passes and get ready. while you're at it, put on some ridiculous shit and do a dance...preferably around a bonfire of old skis after too much to drink...and give praise to Ullr to go with your sacrifice...ask for a record year...afterall, mother nature is giving us shit all over, perhaps she and Ullr could hookup for a 3 or 4 month blizzard.

god knows i could use the snow...i am slowly losing my mind sitting behind a desk daily. its nice to get to use my brain...but man do i miss the mountains and the outdoors...that silence that falling snow brings...the 5 minute friendships formed on the way up the mountain...the shouts of joy eminating from the cloud of powder rolling down from above. god i miss it.

still, i may give it up to get out of here. really, there isn't much keeping me here anymore...just an opportunity that wouldn't come around anywhere else...a good base for my career. but is that really enough? i'm tempted to junk it all and head to seattle...hang out with charla, spend evenings on the ocean, only to get up early to get first tracks the next day in that good old pacific northwest cement they call powder.

a friend of mine is having a quarter-life crisis...trying to resign herself to the fact that she will be a working stiff for the remainder of her life. i think we give up too easily...myself included. seems less and less people are full of piss and vinegar with each passing generation. complacency is a bitch.

so Ullr, if you can hear this...and if the burning skis across the region and the world please you...give us a break from the water coming in off the coast that is not frozen...give us storms upon storms...give us that dump we will talk about decades from now....give me another chance to relive those few brief moments in the trees off two bucks...maybe this time i'll bring a snorkel.

you'll thank me when you're older.

damn activist judges

i am highly amused when i hear politicians going on and on about activist judges, and how judges shouldn't "legislate from the bench" etc, etc. glad to see that the folks in the highest part of government are well versed on american history, especial american legal history. it is a comforting thought to know that they are just like the average american...completely ignorant in these matters.

i am just curious as to the last supreme court that didn't "legislate" from the bench. hell, the first guy made the whole thing up and nobody gave a shit back then. of course the best ones were the best at it. i think maybe it should be called reverse-legislating...or antilegislating since all they can really do is strike down shit that shouldnt have been done in the first place...or make the government do what it is they have to do to comply with their own damn rules. and we need them to do it too...its nice to know that in the end there is someone that isnt subject to public whims that can sit back and point out that it isnt right...or it needs to be this way.

but i suppose we should just stick to constitution as it was meant centuries ago. afterall...it would be nice to have a wife cooking me something now...and always bringing me beer. not to mention some brown folk to do my manual labor for me. and if we could just kill folks for minor felonies again, that would be great too....shit, i'd come out pretty well, being a white male and all. god knows us white men need the help these days...we are losing our grip.point is...that is exactly the kind of judge that should be on the supreme court...its their damn job.

and on that note...stop complaining about the meirs appointment...he gave us one of the most qualified folks ever with roberts...now we have to balance it out with one of the least.

and it feels like rain

i haven't done shit

a friend told me tonight i accomplished so much and i am so young...but i don't feel like i have done shit. sure, i'm a young guy with a bar card...but so far i haven't used it much...atleast not in any major way. i suppose i have won little battles here and there that make a big difference for a few people...but that isnt what i want.

maybe it is just my ego...but i want to do so much, and it doesnt involve a successful legal career (although that is somewhat a necessary part). i feel like i have a lot to offer...some ideas...a cracker face to put on things. and i feel like the years i am going to spend just pulling myself up to the point where i can accomplish anything i may not have the stomach for. i dont know that i can keep it up without seeing results...but i guess that is just how life works.

i have developed somewhat of a slight case of insomnia...can never sleep and spend my days in a fog. i've been mostly under a cloud for some year and a half now though...it'll disappear for a few days here and there and i will feel normal, not feel so lonely, actually enjoy the company of a few people...and then it is gone. i miss my care free days...sometimes i wish i couldve remained that 16 yr old kid trapped in early adulthood, skipping class to hit the slopes...but i was cursed with a mind that feels the need to be used...and a desire to use it.

i thought about picking up drinking again...although i am certain my liver will never recover from last year as it is. sometimes that actually worked...i mean, kept me outwardly content for a year or so. luckily it never got past the "maybe i could start drinking again" stage...just got stuck there cuz my heart aint in it. suppose thats a good thing...dont want the substance abuse team showing up at the office.really i dont know what is wrong with me...doesnt run in the family as far as i know.watched kinsey tonight....it was alright, informative. scary how sexually repressed we are. it comes out in fucked up ways too. i'd say i'm about a 2.5...depending on the invidivual.

on a lighter note...here is a poem from a friend...it'll make you laugh unless you are an uptight cracker...or one that hasnt embraced his or her crackerness...
Crackers, oh Crackers...A name used for things besides companions for soup.
Crackers, oh Crackers...If you are brown, they make you feel like poop.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Why are they all a lighter shade of pink?
Crackers, oh Crackers...When they sweat, why do they have a different stink?
Crackers, oh Crackers...Most of the cute ones are stupid and small.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Why can't you be well hung and know how to ball?
Crackers, oh Crackers...Not all are awful, I have a friend named Paul.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Outside of a few, I might kill them all.

insert foot now mr. nader, the white sox, frito pie warfare

ralph nader committed political suicide...or as much as he could at this point anyways...seems like his political career had a nasty terminal illness and only oregon would let him put himself out of his misery...until this comment made while referring to being kept off the ballot in the deep south - "i felt like a nigger." this from a white millionaire who has degrees from princeton and harvard law. oops.

i've said it before, but i'll say it again...to my fellow crackers, you cannot say certain things. you are privileged in this country, and with that privilege comes immense responsibility. perhaps nader felt that he had run his cred up enough that he could dip to the other side. never will happen. just sad.

on a more depressing note, the white sox have the red sox on the ropes. no miracle comeback this time around. i hate the white sox...it is my duty as a man that bleeds cubbie blue. sox fans are the incarnate of evil, they act like they have had a drought (as the red sox did last year) even though they have over a decade before hitting the century mark without a title...we're on top of it. so for the alcs, and, god forbid, the world series...everyone out there grab a beer, dump it on your white sox loving friend and root against them with all you are. if i witness it, i'll buy you another beer.

apparently there was a riot at a local high school yesterday...gang warfare in the cafeteria. here's the kicker though....it started not with gunshots, or even rocks or blunt objects being hurled at rival gang members...no, it started with frito pie flying through the air. the deadliest of deadly weapons...the dreaded frito pie. if only war worked like that too...perhaps the a-bomb would be a burrito from chipotle.

these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat are all i love and know.

wishing i was somewhere else

i am sitting at my desk staring out the window at the blue sky, no clouds in sight...and i can't help but wish i were somewhere else...the skies were gray and gloomy...dirty snow lined the streets, piled high from storms past and darkened by passing cars...the cold biting, able to feel it down to your bones...the wind whipping around your glasses so cold and so hard that your eyes pain...buses and trains full of commuters dancing by...people bundled, carrying briefcases, on their way to a meeting, to court, to a lunch date, to anywhere else...someone to meet me at home, slip into those old baggy college sweats, crawl under a blanket on the bed and read a movie for the night. if only...

instead i remain in albuquerque, stuck in my office, unable to concentrate on the task at hand. it is getting bad.

atleast i can take comfort in knowing that the voters of albuquerque have it out for the poor. the voter id initiative passed...i hear you dont necessarily need a photo id (if you do, it's a poll tax...and i'll challenge it myself, i need the practice), but that a credit card or library card will do. anyone else see the problem there? again, its the poorest, most disadvantaged that are the least likely to have any of the above...and in a state chalk full of poor, this is a really bad idea. interesting that the democrats pushed for it...would've thought it would be a republican thing.
to further stick a thumb in the eye of the poor...the living wage ordinance barely failed. i didn't vote...so those approximately 1,500 others of you like me...shame on us. god forbid we pay more for a sandwich. the minimum wage has fallen too far below what is necessary to sustain yourself...and it is disgusting that we refuse to adjust it.

mayor chavez won reelection...apparently its a big deal, never been done before in albuquerque. i have hopes that he will bring machine politics to this town...god knows it is ripe for it. he reminds me of home sometimes...i can't believe i am missing chicago.
well, i can take comfort in knowing i may be out of the office within an hour.

this place is a prison.

fixing education the easy way

i come from a family of teachers...my mother was a special education teacher for almost 30 years, two of my brothers went into education and now teach high school in illinois (one in the suburbs one in central illinois)...i myself wanted to teach until i realized i didnt have the patience to put up with all the crap...although someday i want to go back.

anyhow...i've been saying it for years and i will keep on saying it...you want to fix education in this country, one easy step will go a long, long way. pay teachers what they are worth. imagine you have one of the most important jobs in the country, one that will have serious lasting effects on the country and its people for generations...and they dont pay you enough to survive and support a family on to do it. now imagine you are really, really good at that job, and it means a lot to you, but if you left it you could make 5 times the money for 1/2 the work and a fraction of the heartache and stress. what would you do? for some reason that will never be known to me (although i suspect it has something to do with gender and the traditional old-time classroom teacher being a woman and the failure of this country to move out of the stone age in its collective thinking) this country has never embraced teachers as professionals and paid them according to the crucial role they play in society.

there is our problem. the best teachers leave. the best ones that stay, head to the schools full of the students that need them the least, while the poor neighborhoods, the inner cities, the poor states...they have to find teachers overseas.

some states are trying to combat this by going to a merit based pay system for teachers...sounds great at the most basic level. from my own experience in school, i know the worst teachers i had (a spanish teacher who could not connect with students and left students less with less understanding of the language then before they had him and a physics teacher stuck in a rut and unable to think out of the box and really challenge kids to think and push them) happened to be the highest paid in my school. see, they had been there awhile, and they had a phd (one in latin american studies...which i can respect...the other in education, which if you have ever studied "education" you know is useless). meanwhile, the very best teacher i had...a young history teacher that made history of all subjects exciting and interesting for the most out of tune students...well, she left the profession before i graduated.

problem is...when they move to merit based pay...how will they measure merit? two factors will come in...(1) standardized tests (the absolute worst measure of a teacher's ability and impact, not to mention a student's progress and capabilities) and (2) administrators at the school (who tend to have never spent a day in the classroom in their life). so still...we will get the best at the bottom leaving, and those that cant do will teach.

in case you havent figured it out...education is one of my things/issues/ whatever you want to call it...so yes, i do get repetitive with it, but maybe thats because it seems so easy, yet so impossibly hard for us to ever make work. maybe someday we will be able to turn the tide...but i doubt it. in the meantime...here comes china.

and the truth is....

here we go again: random thoughts

today a spokesman had this to say of a high profile american, see if you can guess what organization/cause they works for:

"the small pieces of information we do know are disappointing. For example, she's Southern Methodist..." oops...might want to rethink your words before you put them on the record. i'll give you a hint...i would be willing to bet they think of themselves as open-minded...

speaking of rethinking your words...i am sure you've heard what william bennet said on-air the other day...and if not...here it is:

"If you wanted to reduce crime, you could--if that were your sole purpose--you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down" wow. maybe we haven't come as far as we like to think. or perhaps both these people are just complete assholes...the world may never know.

somewhat along those lines, i am reading barack obama's autobiography at the moment (i think because as much as i try to lose it, i will never get rid of the midwestern, illinois boy that hides in me). and last night it got me to thinking, and i remembered an incident i am not particularly proud of, but very telling of the world that is chicagoland (thats the chicago metro area for those of you not in the know...where ketchup on hotdogs is a sin). at one point in college i was walking home and walked past an apartment building where a fight was ensuing on the front lawn. when later relaying the happenings to my buddies i managed to describe those involved as "2 black guys and a white guy." the moment i said it i was ashamed that i felt it necessary to include that bit of information. still embarrasses me to this day. that's kind of how chicago works though...us suburban kids learn to see everything in black and white. it just gets engrained into your head, and it is hard to lose.

which reminded me of a time i was working at the local hardware store and another suburban whitey mentioned to me she was not at all racist...to which i basically replied with a big phooey. i guaranteed her that if she were walking down the street and it was dusk or later and crossed paths with a black man (or multiple black men) one of the first thoughts/feelings she would have would be fear of a criminal act on their part. we've (crackers) all done it...if you claim you haven't, you either haven't crossed the path of a black man at night, or you are just lying. anyhow, sure enough, next time i saw her at work she was practically in tears because in the interim it happened to her, and it was the first time she was aware of it. point is...everyone has racist thoughts here and there...we know they are wrong, but they happen. doesnt necessarily make you a bad person, just try to recognize it, deal with it, and learn from it.

interesting story in the times today about juveniles being sentenced to life without parole...a bunch of them for felony murder (i.e. they were doing bad shit with someone else, and that other person decided to do some worse shit and kill someone in the process). kids...getting caught up with the wrong crowd, maybe going out one time when they shouldve stayed home, and their buddy pulls the trigger/runs someone through...and they will never get outside those barbed wire fences again. of course, if they were a few years older we would damn sure try to make sure we got to flip the switch on 'em. yet another example of the serious problems with our criminal justice system. i still think it has the potential to be the best in the world...if only we could figure out the sentencing aspect (and yes, i am well aware there are other problems...too many to go into here).

i miss blues clubs. i miss the smokey, dark atmosphere. i miss that token guy in the front...unaware of anything else in the world. if anyone out there has some pull...bring a good one to albuquerque...this town is a shithole...it would embrace the blues.

i've been through hell too.

if history were taught right

If American history had been taught in the schools-really taught, not used as a dull, memory-testing exercise-the country wouldn't have gone into open-jawed shcok when the civil rights movement began and the black man finally walked out of his shack and said enough is enough. If people weren't so disgorged by the public schools with their ignorance of government intact, they wouldn't scream "traitor" every time the Supreme Court affirms a constitutional safeguard. They wouldn't be so muddled about what a free society is that they want to preserve it by tossing all dissenters into a dungeon. For a country to be as steeped in racism, prejudice, internal hatred and distrust, and as fold of TV situation comedy as we are, the edcational system has got to be about as vigorous and effective as a 90-year-old gigolo.

- M. Royko, 1970

if only we could all be like judith miller

think she wants me to feel like she is some sort of hero for the constitution. like journalistic integrity needs people like her (never mind that journalistic integrity went down the shitter years ago...and journalists are the bozos that acquiesced in thinking it was a good idea to print the name of a CIA operative in a newspaper with worldwide circulation). like if she didn't agree to go to prison (which it now appears may have been some staged shit on her side since her source may or may not have given her "permission" to testify a year ago) the constitution would crumble and the first amendment would become meaningless.

i dont buy it. i've said it before and i'll say it again...THERE IS NO REPORTER/SOURCE PRIVILEGE. never has been one, never will be. what we have here is a grand jury (testimony before which is secret to begin with...under penalty of law) investigating a serious, serious crime. we all know what drug dealers do to folks when they find out they are DEA agents...imagine that tenfold and you've got the danger covert CIA agents face if their cover is blown. serious shit.see, the grand jury is one of the most important institutions in the criminal justice system. it is almost a fourth branch of government, it answers to noone but itself, and it decides whether the government has enough evidence to bring charges. it was formed as an answer to ridiculous abuses of power by the old english monarchs...and it was so important that the "founders" of this country had the wisdom to make it its own separate constitutional entity.

the thing with grand juries is...they get everyone's evidence if they ask for it. hell, here in new mexico the government even has to present the would-be defendant's evidence. they need it to work correctly. this is why you go to prison if you dont testify after subpoenaed by a grand jury....you have no right not to. freedom of speech and the press doesnt carry over into this arena, never has, never will. judith miller wasn't protecting the constitution...she was thumbing her nose at it.

and lets not forget, that while some jackass (cough, cough, karl rove, cough, cough....who by the way, really, really pisses off the left because he is an evil genius and continues to whoop good) in the white house decided it would be a good idea to disclose the identity of a CIA operative (whether or not she was covert and it was knowing and all that jazz....well, the grand jury gets to decide if there is probable cause to believe that....and they cant do that without all the evidence they see fit to make that decision...so again, judith miller is no "champion of rights") to the press....the press decided it would be a good idea to print it. reminds me of geraldo drawing maps in the sand...sometimes you just wonder why these folks don't stop for a minute and say to themselves "you know...some really, really bad shit could happen to some good, innocent people if i put this information out there...information that there really is no public need-to-know" (hell, they could have printed this ... "karl rove and some other white house cronies tells the [insert paper here] that the wife of a critic is a cia operative who investigated some shit in africa...perhaps a federal grand jury should hear about this matter."

so here's to judith miller...the woman who spent awhile in prison for a principle that has never been recognized in american jurisprudence...and a principle that gives the finger to one of the most important institutions in this country...one that plays a vital role in protecting joe schmo from the government and overzealous prosecutions.

i'll be outta here in three days, and it's not a day too soon.