i haven't done shit

a friend told me tonight i accomplished so much and i am so young...but i don't feel like i have done shit. sure, i'm a young guy with a bar card...but so far i haven't used it much...atleast not in any major way. i suppose i have won little battles here and there that make a big difference for a few people...but that isnt what i want.

maybe it is just my ego...but i want to do so much, and it doesnt involve a successful legal career (although that is somewhat a necessary part). i feel like i have a lot to offer...some ideas...a cracker face to put on things. and i feel like the years i am going to spend just pulling myself up to the point where i can accomplish anything i may not have the stomach for. i dont know that i can keep it up without seeing results...but i guess that is just how life works.

i have developed somewhat of a slight case of insomnia...can never sleep and spend my days in a fog. i've been mostly under a cloud for some year and a half now though...it'll disappear for a few days here and there and i will feel normal, not feel so lonely, actually enjoy the company of a few people...and then it is gone. i miss my care free days...sometimes i wish i couldve remained that 16 yr old kid trapped in early adulthood, skipping class to hit the slopes...but i was cursed with a mind that feels the need to be used...and a desire to use it.

i thought about picking up drinking again...although i am certain my liver will never recover from last year as it is. sometimes that actually worked...i mean, kept me outwardly content for a year or so. luckily it never got past the "maybe i could start drinking again" stage...just got stuck there cuz my heart aint in it. suppose thats a good thing...dont want the substance abuse team showing up at the office.really i dont know what is wrong with me...doesnt run in the family as far as i know.watched kinsey tonight....it was alright, informative. scary how sexually repressed we are. it comes out in fucked up ways too. i'd say i'm about a 2.5...depending on the invidivual.

on a lighter note...here is a poem from a friend...it'll make you laugh unless you are an uptight cracker...or one that hasnt embraced his or her crackerness...
Crackers, oh Crackers...A name used for things besides companions for soup.
Crackers, oh Crackers...If you are brown, they make you feel like poop.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Why are they all a lighter shade of pink?
Crackers, oh Crackers...When they sweat, why do they have a different stink?
Crackers, oh Crackers...Most of the cute ones are stupid and small.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Why can't you be well hung and know how to ball?
Crackers, oh Crackers...Not all are awful, I have a friend named Paul.
Crackers, oh Crackers...Outside of a few, I might kill them all.