things i am not: a list

in the process of self discovery i have come to the realization that i am not a lot of things...some of which i would prefer to be at times...

the other day it came to my attention that i am not generic. this sounds strange, but i honestly thought i was. someone very close to me informed me that i was mistaken. perhaps the midwest has been taken from me...perhaps it never really was there...either way, it would be nice to be cookie cutter.

along those lines...apparently i am also very strange. i was unaware it was so shocking and abnormal for a man to wear skirts from time to time (nobody gives sting shit for it...and have you ever tried one on? they are way more comfortable than pants). it seems i left an impression on classmates that goes something along the lines of "that kid is wierd"...that shit gets old. although i am well aware that it is pathetic...sometimes i just want to be like everyone else...or atleast close enough to not be noticed.

i am not the type of person that wants recognition...i used to, it actually was important to me at one point...now i just want to quietly do my thing in peace.

i am not a good son. i just never really connected with my parents on any serious level. now they are getting close to being gone, and i still cannot bring myself to do the things a son should do. it is embarassing really...but no matter how much i tell myself it is time to change, i never do.

i am not a happy person. i got to thinking about this tonight and realized that i really have never been just plain happy. well, i can think of specific instances...that tuesday midday run down two bucks in waist deep fluff...those first few months of falling in love...those last few months of being in love...all the months in the middle of being in love...although every two years those months seem to turn unhappy most of the time (if you do the math you can figure out why)...i would go into all the specific instances dealing with that special someone that made me just plain happy, but that would end up making me just plain sad. not that i am an unhappy person, i just tend not to be a happy person.

i am not as good at this as some may think.

i am not a desert rat. i no longer enjoy the southwest. i want to leave. i just wish i could bring myself to do it.

i am not going to run for office. i will not be able to do it...i won't have the patience, i won't have the know-how. although god knows i would love to unseat heather wilson...

i am not the man i thought i was...nor am i the man you may have thought i was.

unfortunately...one thing that i do seem to be as of late...lonely. surrounded by people...formerly known as good friends, girlfriends, drinking buddies, and any other imaginable label...and yet i feel pretty much alone.

i am not a happy person.

it's hard to explain.