where the hell is home?

for the last few years, whenever i returned to good old mount prospect i felt more and more out of place (pretty impressive considering i always believed someone upstairs made a mistake and sent me down with the wrong stork to a midwestern family instead of the couple in the mountains). this summer there is no mount prospect to go back to...and it is odd. my entire childhood was in the same house, the same school system, the same friends...hell, my best friend in 2nd grade was my best friend nigh a decade later. it is strange to realize that i will never turn off 294 and roll up rand to central before turning into the old neighborhood...never again pull into that driveway and walk to the back door to my mother frantically preparing dinner in the expanded kitchen...never again sit in the basement and remember all those nights...never sit awake at night waiting for the tell-tale knock on the window that means an adventure awaits outside. as someone that grew up with a very defined home, in a house filled with memories...it seems unreal that i no longer have that...that connection is forever gone.

and so i am stuck here in the desert, in 100 degree heat at 6 percent humidity, and no hope of a cloudy day anytime soon...and it is the only home i have...there may be a "going back to chicago" but there will never again be a "going back home"...

this has made me realize now more than ever, that home is less of a location, and more of a feeling. in the end, we feel at home not because of comfort we feel with our surroundings, but with the people that fill those surroundings. these last few years as i've been searching for home, maybe it was right under my nose the entire time...something bacchus and hermione like to remind me of often. so to my friends...in chicago, elsewhere in the midwest, in new mexico and the mountains, thanks for making whatever pit i find myself in feel like home, even if just for brief interludes...

i have been told this blog tends to be full of anger, that i come across as just plain mad...well, it is, and i am. i am not trying to convince anyone of anything...if i was, i am not such an idiot to think that spewing obscenity, sarcasm and mockery in general is the way to go about it. i need an outlet though...i read the news and i see these folks with their 30 second clips and my soul weeps for the world...and so i vent. in the end, i know i don't have many answers (although i like to think i may have one or two), hell, i don't even think there are answers to a lot of it...i just wonder what in god's name people are thinking...what drives them to such stupidity...and why nobody seems to think critically about anything anymore.

i guess my point is...if you want to know my thoughts and want them portrayed in a thoughtful, civilized, respectful manner...just ask. in the meantime, i will most likely continue to explode through my fingertips to avoid doing it through my head...thanks for reading...

the world's got me dizzy again...you'd think after 26 years i'd be used to the spin...