Chief's ouster gives other 'symbols' fighting chance...

The following is a column by Rick Morrissey, writer for the Chicago Tribune. It is too humorous not to pass on...

t's really too bad that fans of Chief Illiniwek, the University of Illinois' mascot—sorry, symbol—are going to be all dressed up in feathers and face paint with nowhere to go scalping.

After years of battles over the appropriateness of the Chief, the school last week announced his retirement.

Instead of asking why, the Chief reportedly said "How."

But it doesn't mean Fighting Illini backers have to be left out of all the fun. There are other symbols that deserve to be honored, too, symbols that have been neglected far too long, symbols the university might want to consider now that it's about to be Chief-less at athletic events.

Here are some tongue-in-cheek—tongue-in-cheek!!!—mascot nicknames and halftime extravaganzas that just might capture the imagination of the Illinois fan base:

• The Fighting Clubbed Baby Seals.

Watch some alumni take the cute sea mammals "out to the woodshed."

• The Fighting Wheat Thresher Accident Victims.

To music, a one-armed farmer re-creates, through pantomime, the day it all went terribly wrong.

• The Fighting Lost Boys of Sudan.

They've made their way through hunger and deprivation from Africa to the United States; now watch these orphaned refugees take a few soft-shoe steps for an appreciative audience.

• The Fighting Hollywood Agents.

They do lunch at half court, then they argue, very loudly, over who pays for what.

• The Fighting Tim Hardaways.

What happens when a man in drag wanders into an NBA locker room? You won't believe it. Or maybe you will.

• The Fighting Dumb Blonds.

They're supposed to be mud-wrestling, but they can't stop staring at a carton of orange juice that says "Concentrate." A borrowed joke sure to get the crowd going.

• The Fighting Lepers.

You've seen 'em on "Ben-Hur," now watch 'em get shunned in person. Lend 'em an ear—or a nose. They need it!

• The Fighting Obsessive-Compulsives.

No matter what happens after these entertainers stop sweating the details, one thing is sure: The basketball court will be as meticulously clean as an operating room.

• The Fighting Border Patrol Agents.

Sick and tired of illegal aliens taking all those minimum-wage jobs that you really, really wanted? Here's a chance to watch crack government authorities skillfully round up some undocumented workers.

• The Fighting Inquisition.

Catholics "take it to the rack" as they root out heretics from among the ticket-holders. Perfect for the basketball season.

• The Fighting 'Roid Rage Tumblers.

They flip, they fly, they somersault. And then these puffed-up, acne-ridden behemoths commence to beating on each other.

• The Fighting White Supremacists.

The lights dim, and in an eerie procession, these strong-willed, one-issue, hooded strangers come out and do a number from "A Chorus Line."

• The Fighting Irish.

They drink, they fight, they re-enact the Potato Famine. Oh, wait. This might have been done already.

• The Fighting Descendants of Thomas Jefferson.

The reputed relatives of one of the founding fathers of our country and his slave, Sally Hemings, accuse each other of being house slaves. Watch the furniture start flying!

• The Fighting Hemophiliacs.

During a halftime contest they try to beat the clock while running with scissors.

• The Fighting Firewater-Guzzling Injuns.

Oh, wait. This definitely has been done.