confusion...

i have tried to shut my brain off of the outside world for a few days and concentrate on what is going on in front of me...figured maybe that would make me less depressed...by weeks end it very well might, or it may just knock off a little more of my faith. a courtroom full of people...the judge is white, his clerk is white, the court reporter is white, all four attorneys are white men, the case agent is a white man, the officers were mainly white men, the jury is two for twelve on people of color, at least the marshals seem to be multicultural...and with all this, both defendants are black (of course, if one were to look at the cases arising out of the port of entry in gallup one might find that every last one of the truckers that finds himself facing federal drug charges thanks to the good folks out there, one just might make the observation that every last one is black...i mean, not that they profile or anything...but they profile). i'm sitting there thinking there is no way that a juror can sit and hear what i have heard and send either of these two folks to prison...but i am bracing myself for the first big-time disappointment of my career. i only hope i can hold out long enough to do some good before i become too jaded.

in the meantime i am wondering how in hell i am going to make it through this...i've begun to feel completely lost again. loving my time alone, but hating the emptiness of my bed...hating this town, but not able to imagine leaving my job...wanting the ocean so badly, but wishing ski season did not pass me by...so many choices, and not wanting to make a single one. i know it can piss the locals off something awful, but this town weighs on me.

it serves as a reminder of all i want to do with my life...and a reminder that staying here may very well mean giving that up. it means watching my youth pass me by and not getting out of it what i should, not using the energy and enthusiasm of youth to force something to happen. sadly it is the story of too many in my generation...lots of bitching accompanied by lots of sitting.

really, this has no point...just me realizing how therapeutic my ranting into cyberspace can be...and having spent days too tired and busy to get it out of my system. the news was too depressing to write about...

we are underused...