tired of playing this game...

i finally am getting through my latest book...only it is serving as a reminder of the complete and utter failure i am when it comes to my first time new year's resolutions...maybe this is why i never did them before. sitting here wishing i could sleep listening to music that only serves to increase the somber nostalgia coursing through my veins...and realizing i will never live up to my potential, realizing i just don't have that drive within me...or maybe it is this town that just grinds me down.

it's spring in albuquerque...or that is what the calendar and the locals tell me. but i know spring...spring is the occassional beautiful day in the 60's and maybe 70's sprinkled inbetween gorgeous grey skies and rainy nights. spring is anticipating all the festivals and outdoor music in the coming months. this is no spring...albuquerque skips seasons, it goes directly from the oppressively hot sun of summer into a fall that lasts a few months...and skips completely over winter and spring and goes right back into summer. 80 degrees and no rain is not a spring...it is one more lie this town will tell you. the summer will be excruciatingly hot...and i will spend it longing and praying for a winter filled with snow and many new five-minute friendships.

in the meantime this city will continue to drain what little piss and vinegar i managed to find within myself. in another year, i will be in the same position...wishing and hoping there will be an end...a new adventure, a new home, a new city, a new companion...but instead i will be stuck behind this tiny ikea laptop desk with hermione laying at my feet in a food coma and bacchus periodically checking in and trying to remind me it isn't so bad by demanding head scratches and hand under pillow...and i will be stuck remembering rainy april nights in chicago, missing kelly, missing shannon, thinking a partnership in chicago wouldn't be so bad, thinking i messed up my chance at the life i wanted with the one i wanted and tired of the self-reflection, tired of the lost contacts, tired of the corruption, tired of the conviction mentality, tired of the southwest, tired of albuquerque, tired of the mountains...desperately missing the ocean, the lake front, the museum campus...the life i could have had.

do me a favor, if i should waiver be my savior...get out the gun