paying for your president...

let the spending spree begin! it is now only 32 months until the next presidential election and already 16 since the last one...so open up your checkbooks, it is time to buy your next president. campaign fundraising is well under way, so if you want any hope of getting a lucritive seat in the next cabinet as secretary of leaf raking you best get in your millions now. if you are really smart, you will take a page out of the book of the best powerful lobbies and simply purchase the front-runner on both sides. that way, no matter who gets into the white house, your ass is covered.

but don't fret, if you can't afford to buy into both sides, you will be fine if you buy into one. i mean really, we are all well aware that if you can afford to be a major contributor to a presidential campaign these days, you are obviously at the top of society and will have your ass wiped by democrat and republican alike. and if you can't afford to contribute to either, well then no worries...you can remain content in the knowledge that the democrats will continue to tell you there must be a better way and that they care deeply about minority issues and poverty, etc., etc. only to gain control and push forward more globalization and capitilization, while the republicans will continue to tell you it is your own damn fault because you don't work hard enough...well, that and those damn foreigners that are running across the desert sands in the southwest, they are stealing your jobs and plotting to kill you! come to think of it...let me lay out the next election campaigns for you and then you can just ignore it when it starts (which will probably be in about 3 days)...

democrats: bush is satan. bush is stupid. the republican's plan doesn't work. we have a plan. no really, we do, we promise. remember the economic joy last time we had the white house? (and if you would please ignore that for most of the population those years meant a decline in standard of living since we became obsessed with the stock market, capitalization and globalization...but pundits were telling you you were better off...and who knows better than pundits?) bush lied. we can be tough on security too...we voted for the war. oh, but we only did it because he lied (we think...i mean, the polls still show it's unpopular right?). we need to do more domestically. the deficit is too high. we'll repeal the tax cuts. oh...and we forgot to mention something for the black folk...uh...hmmm...this is a tough one....we always just assumed you would vote with us forever...but, um, we have an initiative for the inner city! yea, that'll be enough.

republicans: democrats wants homosexuals to steal your children and eat them...which is obviously the inevitable result of gay marriage. democrats are a bunch of tax and spend liberals. we heard hilary participates in bill's wild orgies...with a donkey. nevermind that none of us have ever served in an actual war...the democrats are weak on national security, hell, they can't even remember if they voted for the war. if you vote democrat, you are with the evil-doers, and you will die a horrible fiery death, as will all the people you know and love. we've created a billion jobs. we're spreading democracy around the globe. did we mention the terror level is now blazing inferno red! we must band together now and stand behind a republican because they are the only ones that can protect us from attacks when they reach that color! it must be those mexicans coming over here to pick our fruit! we always knew they hated our way of life. did we mention that the democrats are godless heathens?

token third party candidate: i can't believe i'm losing to these guys.

that just about does it. save yourself the time and money...change the channel, ignore the ads, make drinking games out of the debates...either way, until we get off our asses and vote in mass for a candidate that actually represents more than a sliver of society, we will be stuck in this decadent spiral. until money is no longer the defining aspect of a campaign, we are fucked. of course, it's too damn late for that...so i suppose i will just say...in the immortal words of short round..."hang on lady, we going for ride!"

drunk as hell but no throwin up, half way home and my pager is blowin up...today i didn't even have to use my a.k....i gotta say it was a good day...