the HCIC - know him, love him, fear him...

(adapted from ian gold's "be afraid")

the HCIC ("head cracka in charge" for those of you not in the know) wants you to know the following:

there is no theory of evolution, just animals the HCIC allows to live.

when the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for the HCIC.

the HCIC doesn't read the newspaper, he simply stares it down until he gets the information he wants.

when the HCIC does a push up he is not, in fact, pushing himself up but pushing the earth down.

the HCIC doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

the HCIC can win a game of Connect-4 in only three moves.

the opening scene from "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on a dodgeball game the HCIC played in the second grade.

when the HCIC takes a shower he doesn't get wet. The water gets crackered.

the HCIC can believe it's not butter.a picture is worth a thousand words, unless it's of the HCIC, then it's worth two million.

the HCIC grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq being controlled by Saddam, the HCIC lives in albuquerque.

the show "Survivor" had the original premise of dropping people into two bucks with the HCIC, there were no survivors and nobody was brave enough to go in and retrieve the footage.

some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears HCIC pajamas.

the HCIC does not stub his toes, he accidently destroys bedframes, doors, chairs and sidewalks.

the HCIC is currently suing "Myspace" for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

the HCIC does not cut his hair, it lies low out of sheer fear.

if at first you don't succeed, you are not the HCIC.

the truth will set you free, unless the HCIC has you, in which case you're screwed.

the HCIC eats steak for every single meal, sometimes he forgets to kill the cow.

most people fear the reaper, the HCIC considers him a promising rookie.

the HCIC qualified with a top speed of 324 miles per hour at the Daytona 500 ... without a car.

aliens do exist, they just know better than to visit the planet that the HCIC is on.

they once made the HCIC toilet paper, but there was one problem: it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

the HCIC will never have a heart attack, his heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

most people know that Descartes said, "I think therefore I am." What they don't know is the quote continues, "afraid of the HCIC."

i understand you must keep moving friend, but i am heading home...